AUGUST

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Women have been fighting for equality and a world free of oppression for countless years and during eras of which rigid rules and societal norms existed, yet we still find women today struggling to fight for just themselves.

Despite the progress in legislation and the welcoming of equality into our homes, the workplace, and society, women have not yet learned how to defend their independence, their freedom, and happiness which so many before them have prayed and fought for.
Unfortunately, the rate of violence against women in South Africa has increased significantly and clear statistics of the reality of domestic violence cannot be accurately determined as many victims do not report their abusers.

During November last year, a 2-day Inaugural Presidential Gender-based Violence and Femicide Summit was held in Gauteng, Twshane, South Africa.  An article by the Daily Maverick dated 25 November 2018, by Kayan Leung and Letlhogonolo Mokgoroane, focused on women experiencing gender-based violence and how the discussions through the Summit plans to take action in minimising and eliminating the dangers the women of South Africa are exposed to.

The Summit shed light on the lives of survivors of gender-based violence and their lack of resources and safety. President Ramaphosa issued a declaration on ways in which to combat the high suffering rates of violence against women and seeking ways of including and preparing the National Strategic Plan to eradicate gender-based violence. 

Many women are not even aware of the reality of their situation, they don’t know what they are experiencing daily is in fact, domestic violence.

According to the Domestic Violence Act 116 of 1998, Domestic violence is defined as: -

    'domestic violence' means-
       (a)     physical abuse;
       (b)     sexual abuse;
       (c)     emotional, verbal and psychological abuse;
       (d)     economic abuse;
       (e)     intimidation;
       (f)     harassment;
       (g)     stalking;
       (h)     damage to property;
     
(i)     entry into the complainant's residence without consent, where the parties do not share the same residence; or 
(j)     any other controlling or abusive behaviour towards a complainant,

where such conduct harms or may cause imminent harm to, the safety, health or wellbeing of the complainant;


Many women feel trapped because of the relationship, in most cases an intimate relationship they share with their abuser, which may be a boyfriend, husband, partner or family member, such a relationship is deemed as a “domestic relationship”. The most common types of abuse are the following, as defined in the Domestic Violence Act of South Africa:-

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EMOTIONAL, VERBAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

Whereby your partner exhibits behavior which results in but not limited to the following:

• A pattern of degrading or humiliating conduct towards you, be it in private or public;

• Your partner may ridicule or repeatedly insult you;

• Public humiliation, shouting and screaming in restaurants, parking lots, causing a                  scene at your place of work and/ or the educational facility/ school you attend.

• Threatening to take his/her own life if you try to address the problem or if you want to             leave;

• Threaten to cause you emotional pain or display jealousy and obsessive
   possessive, which results in restricting your privacy, freedom, integrity, and security.

     

PHYSICAL ABUSE

Which may start with a push or tug and over time turns into any act or threatened act of physical violence towards you.
 A few examples such as shoving, biting, slapping, punching, hair pulling and any harm caused to your physical body

SEXUAL ABUSE

Whereby your partner humiliates, abuses degrades or forces you to commit sexual acts even though you communicate how uncomfortable you feel and violate your sexual integrity.

ECONOMIC ABUSE

Whereby your partner unreasonably deprives you of necessary financial access which you are entitled to and utilize for household necessaries or payment of rates, taxes, other services required for the maintenance and upkeep of your shared household.

• Withhold your money which belongs to you.

• Your partner may destroy/ keep away property or household items you may have an interest in;

NO DISCRIMINATION

Abuse doesn’t discriminate, no matter your colour, financial status, age, profession or even if you have a legal background, it usually lurks around until a bond or commitment is formed until its ready to pounce and devour you day by day.

Many of us were warned by a friend, a family member or even chose to ignore the red flags which fiercely flapped as they blew wind through our hair.



I would ordinarily advise from personal experience to give your best at trying to make any relationship work. Compromise if need be, but don’t be the only one making the changes. If there is the slightest indication of abusive tendencies and actual abuse – leave.



Imagine staying with someone who would only promise to refrain from the abuse only if you refrain from doing something, feeling in a certain way or saying a specific phrase. The moment you feel like it would be better to not exist, to think of ways and actually implement ways to no longer live with that person, is the day you learn the need to choose yourself above all else. 

The one thing I would want to share is the realization that it is impossible to change a grown human being but it is never too late to hold on to who you are, hold on to your irreplaceable life and change your direction.

When the abuse starts at first, it is unexpected, out of place and in some cases was promised to never take place. It does not occur to you that something is tragically wrong.

We often find ourselves blaming our own behavior and try to find ways to limit any disagreements, by being more accepting, and watching our words to prevent any sudden explosions. You sometimes pray to wake up from the nightmare, you may try to pinch yourself awake but then it dawns on you - the nightmare is in actual fact your reality.

In time you try to turn yourself into someone you think the other person will be kinder and more caring.  Speak less, do more, smile even if your heart is aching against it.

You tend to stay away from your friends and family because you would have to bear the brunt of something they may say or do in passing that would offend your partner, but you would have to make every effort to ensure the happiness of his/her extended family.



You then delete messages and call records with fear of it being scrutinized at a later date. You end up changing everything about what you have always loved and believed in while the other person believes he/she has no room for improvement, you should be grateful for the “love” that they bestow on you and realise what a gift they are for most men are not as sensitive and caring are they are.

 

IT'S NOT “OKAY”

No form of abuse is “okay”.  No matter what you say or don’t say, no matter what you do or don’t do, no other human has the right to hurt, harm or hinder you in any way. You are a living, breathing human being, belonging to no one else no matter the relation. No one has a right over you!

When you are submerged in a relationship or marriage of constant fights, finding yourself in the dead of night banging on the car window, screaming and pleading for your partner not leave the house or create any further ruckus, or find yourself sitting in terror while they open the car door while driving back home and constantly threaten you that he /she will take their own life by jumping off the moving vehicle and you sit there trying to figure out a way on how you are going to survive if he /she actually jumps.

Then they gaslight you, and your recall of events becomes twisted by what your partner recalls and changes the story to make him/her seem as though they were merely trying to help and you were wrong, you don’t remember what actually happened, or they “claim” they were trying to move danger away from you.





You start playing the blame game with yourself and start to believe you are the wrong one, you need to change and before you know it, you start to convince yourself to stay and think to yourself that 'it’s too soon to give up, it’s only been a few months and the relationship, the marriage has just begun, its growing pains maybe?' Many women decide to stay until it’s too late.


 A deeper look into why women stay The Article titled: Abusive relationships: Why it’s so hard for women to ‘just leave’ dated 28 March 2018 by Daniel G. Saunders, Professor Emeritus of Social Work, University of Michigan looked closely at the article “Why I Stayed” by Jennifer Willoughby about her abusive marriage to former White House aide Rob Porter and the consistency of her experiences with what abused women have previously reported to researches. This article truly describes the thinking and the experiences of women in distress and why Jenifer, like most abused women, felt the need to stay in her marriage.



The question is, are you willing to stay only to ensure that the world doesn’t criticize you and has nothing unscrupulous to say about you or are you willing to leave because only you are experiencing every tear formed, every echoed scream and every ounce of the pain of what is actually going on behind the closed door, only you know how many miserable nights and days of regret you wished away. You need to be honest with yourself and realize not one person on this earth was there to hold your hand, calm you down or rescue you, you saved yourself.

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You can’t live your life according to the words of what people might say, you have to live your life for what you need and deserve even if it means you have to do so on your own.

Don’t get engulfed in the cycle of abuse, which usually results in the belief that things can be bad but they can also be heavenly, so you stay and wait for the monsoon to pass so you could hopefully, gaze upon half a rainbow for a full second. Your marriage, partnership or relationship should not be a sequence of paradox events.

ARE YOU ALREADY IN THE CYCLE?