Infusing Sunshine

HOLD ON

by Infusing Sunshine - April 25, 2020

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MY FIVE STEPS TO A FRESH START

by Infusing Sunshine - January 08, 2020

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ARE YOU ALREADY IN THE CYCLE?

There are 3 (three) phases of the cycle of abuse:-

Abusive Phase
Honeymoon phase
Tension building phase

Abusive Phase

Where the abusive action is at its peak and may last for a few minutes to days;

Honeymoon phase

Where you are showered with gifts, taken to a nice place to eat /visit, promised things will get better and you believe that it will, pampered and offered with help around the household and perhaps make plans to deal with the abusive phase;

Tension building phase

Where you have to watch your words, or try not to speak much, arguments arise frequently, it’s a ‘walking on eggshells atmosphere'.

You eventually realize everyone has a different idea about what a marriage or relationship looks like or what respect is. Some of us are fortunate enough to grow up watching other couples in our family and our parents that continuously exude love and respect for each other, while others weren’t so lucky. Some have grown from broken homes, unable to witness respect, consideration, often damaged by constant fights and trauma and develop their own fuzzy idea about what love should be and what marriage/ a relationship ought to look like.

You need to realize you are not responsible to tend to the wounds of your partner when all he/she does to you is cut deeper and deeper into your happiness.

Julia Roberts said: "Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him. You want a partner, not a project."

Your partner is an adult, in control of his/her actions and fully aware of their behavior.

You are not anyone’s elixir to boost their ego. You should not be present so that a checkbox on “things to do” can be ticked off nor are you required to be at the beck and call of anyone, you are not there to simply accept and say “Yes Sir/Mam”.

It does not matter what the relationship you share with the individual causing you pain and tears, no one has the right to diminish who you are. No one has the right to tell you how you should be feeling, how grateful you should be, how you should “suck it up” if anyone is unkind to you or how you are expected dance to the tunes of everyone but only when they decide to put on the music of course.

No marital ritual performed, no threats to expose your innermost thoughts to your family or friends or the “status” they may possess or their parents or siblings possess should frighten you into a life of tearful nights, daily tantrums, or making constant efforts to prevent the other person from taking their life, or please people around you who are trying their best to shred you and weave you into their new doormat until they find a better one.

GET HELP!

Seek help as soon as you can. The purpose of laws against gender-based violence is there to protect you and it is your choice to use the resources available. I have a law background and failed to use the tools I obtained and was taught to use to protect those who are victims of domestic violence. I can’t imagine how daunting interacting with the court, the clerks and the law when you have no background knowledge of what or where you can get help.

Go to your local Magistrate Court, Domestic violence/harassment section and get a Domestic Violence Protection Order.

It’s important to follow through with the protection order. Don’t make the mistake of withdrawing the protection order and decide because of the relationship you share you want to give the other side the benefit of the doubt and try to end things on a calmer and a mutual basis. Keep your hands clean and clear of any future interaction and allow the court to protect and rescue you.

Support and legal advice if you need more information about any of these options such as

Legal Aid.

Don’t feel threatened by any other person related to your abuser in any way, or any position they may hold, remember no one- no one is above the law. For more information on a protection order and Domestic Violence, visit Justice College.

Ideally, try to make plans to find safer accommodation and arrange for housing.

Pack essentials (identity document and other essential documents you may need, a fresh set of clothes to change, money and store bag in an out of reach area to prevent anyone from finding it.

Get a divorce- Visit your nearest Regional Court and communicate with the clerk of the court to advise you on the documentation required and forms needed to be filled out.

Go to a shelter

Contact a women’s organization for help.

People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA) in Gauteng

Here are a few shelters to look into.

Frida Hartley Shelter - Johannesburg

The Sahara Shelter For Abused Women And Children in Durban

Ihata Shelter - Cape Town

If possible ask family and friends for shelter

I hope you know you deserve so much more, so much better. If you have to take anything away from the nightmare of what was, I hope you learn to never place yourself in the position you were in or a situation remotely similar to the past. To never be fooled, manipulated and duped into believing the grass is greener on the other side. The grass isn’t greener and if you think it is, it's definitely not real It's more like a holographic image of what you think you want, it doesn’t even exist and in any event, you don’t need anything or anyone more than you need yourself.

If anything was stolen or taken away from you, honestly let them steal happily and let go of the material things you lost as a result of leaving, I choose to hold onto my sanity, my effortless smiles, and a home that is calm, where I feel safe and protected.

I choose to hold on to my life today and live the life I am meant to have rather than holding onto a casserole dish or a pair of shoes.

Make strides to preserve the gentleness and sincerity that couldn’t be destroyed or contaminated, take your time and heal from the tsunami that tried to sweep your life away and gradually move on to bigger, brighter and better blossoming adventures you are yet to live.

August - The Month of Awakening

August will be proudly remembered as the month when I came home and decided to never look back. It is possible to take your life back and latch onto your Second chance. In time you will calm the war waging in your thoughts, you will master the art of holding hope in your heart and you will discover that you can heal and rise from anything that tries to water you down.

I want you to remember and to constantly remind yourself that you, You are a masterpiece, difficult to imitate and impossible to remake, you are enough all on
your own.

So are you going to allow anyone to dilute and drain the essence of who you are? Or are you going to not only be the fire but also be your own fuel to blaze ahead ?