COMING SOON..
by
Infusing Sunshine
- May 29, 2024
HOLD ON
by
Infusing Sunshine
- April 25, 2020
I hope you are taking care of yourself and staying safe.
This
pandemic has honestly brought the world to its knees.
With all that has been
going on lately, while you try to hold on to any glimmer of hope, you are
continuously checking the news for updates, staying informed, trying your best
to stay safe when you leave your residence and you can’t help but feel anxious and simply trying to cope during this time within the comfort of
your home.
via GIPHY
I hope you are lucky enough to be around your loved ones during this dreadful time, or are in a position to lend a helping hand to ensure your family and friends have
all of their necessities within reach.
I just hope things get better, those infected with this
deadly virus heal, and the community you are a part of, and the nations all
around the fragile yet fierce world, get stronger and stand together while we
support each other, fight, and push through this global crisis.
Learn more from the WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION.
via GIPHY
via GIPHY
Learn more from the WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION.
If anything, I
hope you are able to keep the faith and hope for better days ahead.
Sending you all my love and healing prayers.
XOXO
MY FIVE STEPS TO A FRESH START
by
Infusing Sunshine
- January 08, 2020
This first step is what I deem as the simplest step.
Get rid of anything and everything that hurts
you, reminds you, and taunts you about what was.
From photos to clothes and the blocking of contacts. In my opinion, I
felt it best to give what no longer serves me to charity, if it isn’t in good
enough condition to either tear and burn,
or simply toss away in the trash while
smiling and waving.
Create new surroundings. This could mean
revamping your room, a fresh coat of paint, a new bed, new furniture, new everything,
but of course, within your means. I personally enjoyed my new wardrobe, which I slowly
built with a new memory attached to each ensemble.
Simple ways to change your environment would be to rearrange your room,
be it your cupboard, your bed.
You can also choose to add new life into your
space by, for example:
Hanging up or displaying new photos of new moments and memories with
loved ones;
lighting your favorite scented candle; buying or making your own diffuser, making an inspiration board to help you focus on tomorrows rather than your
yesterdays
Focus on what brings you joy.
Remember those
hobbies which kept you busy for hours on end, why not get in touch and submerge
yourself in all things which once made you smile silly.
Ride your bike or learn how to, try your hand
at a painting just for the fun of it, read your favorite book, or watch that one
movie that never fails to humor you.
Sometimes with a purpose, you find your joy. You can get busy and give back
by joining your local community through volunteering at the library, animal shelter, or children’s home, or by helping any other organization that is dear to
your heart.
Get out there and give your love and care to those who will actually appreciate
and savor it.
Write it out, work it out, or cut it out.
When I say write it out, I refer to what I like
to call a burn journal.
No, this is not the burn book that is featured in the movie Mean Girls.
A Burn Journal will require you to write out anything and everything, even the most trivial of events that either harmed you, angered you, or disturbed your peace, until you
can’t write or think of anything more. Once you are ready and
have nothing more to pour into your Burn journal – you guessed it, burn (only if you are in a safe environment) or rather tear
and throw away the journal one page at a time.
Working out is putting in the effort to focus on your physical self.
Eating well daily with a cheat day now and then. Taking care of
yourself by going to the gym if you can or planning and following an exercise
routine at home.
If it’s a conversation, name,
event, or place that deflates your happy thoughts or shifts you into a moment
you'd rather not revisit – CUT IT OUT of your life.
Have an open discussion with
those near and dear and tell those who may unconsciously bring up the delicate
topics to give you time and allow you to breathe free from what polluted you, and to give you the space you need to get through this.
Time truly is your best
friend. It's time that will tenderly bring you to a place where you will be
content with your life and state of mind, and time will give you your much-deserved peace.
Self-care every day. Yes, self-care is not selfish. Just dedicate a few minutes of your day to yourself.
This is the time to eliminate your stressors. It is fairly simple to practice self-care.
Your options vary from physical care like running a bath, maybe making your very own face mist to get you through an exhausting day, making use of bath bombs and body scrubs, or mental care like engaging in leisure reading, sitting down with just yourself and sipping on a cup of tea or coffee or whatever it is you fancy, while you watch the gentle sunset, or chatting to a confidant at the end of the day when things get too wobbly to hold on to.
It’s all about taking time out to replenish yourself while you regenerate the blissful vibe that was drained from you.
I hope you tread carefully on your journey to happiness and remember this
is only the preamble to your new beginning.
Hold onto yourself when the night
steals your shadow and remind yourself, especially in those dark moments, that
you are now out of the fire, merely dusting off the debris of your past before
you run off into your next chapter of contagious laughter and freedom to be
yourself.
You have done beautifully thus far, don’t give up now!
XOXO
CELEBRATING WOMEN - PART 2
by
Infusing Sunshine
- August 20, 2019
ARE YOU ALREADY IN THE CYCLE?
There are 3 (three) phases of the cycle of abuse:-
- Abusive Phase
- Honeymoon phase
- Tension-building phase
Abusive Phase
Where the abusive
action is at its peak and may last for a few minutes to days;
Honeymoon phase
Where you are
showered with gifts, taken to a nice place to eat /visit, promised things will
get better, and you believe that it will, pampered, and offered help around
the household, and perhaps make plans to deal with the abusive phase;
Tension-building phase
Where you
have to watch your words, or try not to speak much, arguments arise frequently,
it’s a ‘walking on eggshells' atmosphere.
You eventually realize everyone
has a different idea about what a marriage or relationship looks like or what
respect is. Some of us are fortunate enough to grow up watching other couples
in our family and our parents who continuously exude love and respect for each
other, while others weren’t so lucky. Some have grown from broken homes, unable
to witness respect, consideration, often damaged by constant fights and trauma, and develop their own fuzzy idea about what love should be and what a marriage/ a relationship ought to look like.
You need to realize you are not responsible for tending to the wounds of your partner when all he/she does to you is cut deeper and
deeper into your happiness.
Julia
Roberts said, "Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised
men. It is not your job to fix him, change him, or parent him. You want a partner,
not a project."
Your partner is an adult, in
control of his/her actions and fully aware of their behavior.
You are not anyone’s elixir to
boost their ego. You should not be present so that a checkbox on “things to do”
can be ticked off, nor are you required to be at the beck and call of anyone;
you are not there to simply accept and say “Yes, Sir/Ma'am”.
It does not matter what the relationship you share with the individual causing you pain and tears; no one has
the right to diminish who you are. No one has the right to tell you how you
should be feeling, how grateful you should be, how you should “suck it up” if
anyone is unkind to you, or how you are expected to dance to the tunes of everyone
but only when they decide to put on the music, of course.
No marital ritual performed, no
threats to expose your innermost thoughts to your family or friends or the “status”
they may possess or their parents or
siblings possess should frighten you into a life of tearful nights, daily tantrums,
or making constant efforts to prevent the other person from taking their life,
or please people around you who are trying their best to shred you and weave
you into their new doormat until they find a better one.
GET HELP!
Seek help as soon as you can. The
purpose of laws against gender-based violence is to protect you, and it is
your choice to use the resources available. I have a law background and failed
to use the tools I obtained and was taught to use to protect those who are
victims of domestic violence. I can’t imagine how daunting interacting with the
court, the clerks, and the law can be when you have no background knowledge of or
where you can get help.
Go to your local
Magistrate Court, Domestic Violence/harassment section, and get a Domestic Violence Protection Order.
It’s important to
follow through with the protection order. Don’t make the mistake of withdrawing
the protection order and deciding because of the relationship you share, you want
to give the other side the benefit of doubt and try to end things on a
calmer and a mutual basis. Keep your
hands clean and clear of any future interaction, and allow the court to protect
and rescue you.
Support and legal advice if you need more information about any of these options, such as
Don’t feel
threatened by any other person related to your abuser in any way, or any position they
may hold, remember no one- no one is
above the law. For more information on a protection order and Domestic
Violence, visit Justice College.
- Ideally, try to make plans to find safer accommodation and arrange for housing.
- Pack essentials (identity document and other essential documents you may need, a fresh set of clothes to change into, money, and store a bag in an out-of-reach area to prevent anyone from finding it.
- Get a divorce- Visit your nearest Regional Court and communicate with the clerk of the court to advise you on the documentation required and forms needed to be filled out.
Go to a shelter
Contact a women’s
organization for help.
Here are a few shelters to look into.
Frida Hartley Shelter - Johannesburg
Ihata Shelter - Cape Town
If possible, ask family and friends for shelter
I hope you know you deserve so much more, so much
better. If you have to take anything away from the nightmare of what was, I
hope you learn to never place yourself in the position you were in or a
situation remotely similar to the past. To never be fooled, manipulated, and
duped into believing the grass is greener on the other side. The grass isn’t greener, and if you think it is, it's definitely not real. It's more like a holographic image of what you think you want; it doesn’t even exist, and
in any event, you don’t need anything or anyone more than you need yourself.
If anything was stolen or taken away from you, honestly
let them steal happily and let go of the material things you lost as a result of
leaving. I choose to hold onto my sanity, my effortless smiles, and a calm home, where I feel safe and protected.
I choose to hold on to my life today and live the life I am meant to have rather than holding onto a casserole dish or a pair of
shoes.
Make strides to preserve the gentleness and sincerity that couldn’t
be destroyed or contaminated, take your time and heal from the tsunami that
tried to sweep your life away, and gradually move on to bigger, brighter, and
better blossoming adventures you are yet to live.
August - The Month of Awakening
August - The Month of Awakening
August will
be proudly remembered as the month when I came home and decided to never look back. It is possible to take your life back and latch onto your Second chance. In time, you will calm the war waging in your thoughts, you will master the art of holding hope in your heart, and you will discover that you can heal and rise from anything that tries to water you down.
I want you to remember and to constantly remind yourself that you, you are a masterpiece, difficult to imitate and impossible to remake, you are enough all on
your own.
I want you to remember and to constantly remind yourself that you, you are a masterpiece, difficult to imitate and impossible to remake, you are enough all on
your own.
So are you going to allow anyone to dilute
and drain the essence of who you are? Or
are you going to not only be the fire but also be your own fuel to blaze ahead?
* DISCLAIMER
Kindly visit my disclaimer page.
XOXO
CELEBRATING WOMEN - PART 1
by
Infusing Sunshine
- August 20, 2019
AUGUST
For South Africa, August is embraced as Women’s Month, the month during which we celebrate the audacious women who have paved the way for our nation.
On the 9th of August 1956, the day 20,000 women of all races marched to the Union Buildings in Pretoria, in protest against the restrictive pass laws which extended to women. This day led a movement which has concreted the foundation of upholding the rights of our South African women today.
A day we will always remember and will always be grateful for, as we celebrate the women who decided to have faith in their beliefs and take the first step into the democratic era of budding equality.
These women decided to use their inherent strength, robust voices, and sang from the depths of their hearts, which they were so accustomed to tucking away from the world.
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| Picture Source: Canva |
Women have been fighting for equality and a world free of oppression for countless years, and during eras in which rigid rules and societal norms existed, yet we still find women today struggling to fight for themselves.
Despite the progress in legislation and the welcoming of equality into our homes, the workplace, and society, women have not yet learned how to defend their independence, their freedom, and happiness, which so many before them have prayed and fought for.
Unfortunately, the rate of violence against women in South Africa has increased significantly, and clear statistics of the reality of domestic violence cannot be accurately determined, as many victims do not report their abusers.
During November last year, a 2-day Inaugural Presidential Gender-based Violence and Femicide Summit was held in Gauteng, Tshwane, South Africa. An article by the Daily Maverick dated 25 November 2018, by Kayan Leung and Letlhogonolo Mokgoroane, focused on women experiencing gender-based violence and how the discussions through the Summit plan to take action in minimising and eliminating the dangers the women of South Africa are exposed to.
The Summit shed light on the lives of survivors of gender-based violence and their lack of resources and safety. President Ramaphosa issued a declaration on ways in which to combat the high rates of violence against women and seeking ways of including and preparing the National Strategic Plan to eradicate gender-based violence.
Many women are not even aware of the reality of their situation; they don’t know that what they are experiencing daily is, in fact, domestic violence.
According to the Domestic Violence Act 116 of 1998, Domestic violence is defined as: -
'domestic violence' means-
(a) physical abuse;
(b) sexual abuse;
(c) emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse;
(d) economic abuse;
(e) intimidation;
(f) harassment;
(g) stalking;
(h) damage to property;
(i) entry into the complainant's residence without consent, where the parties do not share the same residence; or
(j) any other controlling or abusive behaviour towards a complainant,
where such conduct harms or may cause imminent harm to the safety, health, or wellbeing of the complainant;
Many women feel trapped because of the relationship, in most cases, an intimate relationship they share with their abuser, which may be a boyfriend, husband, partner, or family member. Such a relationship is deemed a “domestic relationship”. The most common types of abuse are the following, as defined in the Domestic Violence Act of South Africa:-
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| Picture Source: Canva |
EMOTIONAL, VERBAL, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE
Whereby your partner exhibits behavior which results in, but is not limited to the following:• A pattern of degrading or humiliating conduct towards you, be it in private or public;
• Your partner may ridicule or repeatedly insult you;
• Public humiliation, shouting and screaming in restaurants, parking lots, causing a scene at your place of work, and/ or the educational facility/ school you attend.
• Threatening to take his/her own life if you try to address the problem or if you want to leave;
• Threaten to cause you emotional pain or display jealousy and obsessive
possessive, which results in restricting your privacy, freedom, integrity, and security.
PHYSICAL ABUSE
This may start with a push or tug and, over time, turns into any act or threatened act of physical violence towards you.A few examples such as shoving, biting, slapping, punching, hair pulling, and any harm caused to your physical body
SEXUAL ABUSE
Whereby your partner humiliates, abuses, degrades, or forces you to commit sexual acts even though you communicate how uncomfortable you feel and violate your sexual integrity.ECONOMIC ABUSE
Whereby your partner unreasonably deprives you of necessary financial access which you are entitled to and utilize for household necessities or payment of rates, taxes, other services required for the maintenance and upkeep of your shared household.- Withhold your money, which belongs to you.
- Your partner may destroy/ keep away property or household items you may have an interest in;
NO DISCRIMINATION
Many of us were warned by a friend, a family member, or even chose to ignore the red flags that fiercely flapped as they blew wind through our hair.
I would ordinarily advise, from personal experience, to give your best at trying to make any relationship work. Compromise if need be, but don’t be the only one making the changes. If there is the slightest indication of abusive tendencies and actual abuse – leave.
Imagine staying with someone who would only promise to refrain from the abuse if you refrain from doing something, feeling a certain way, or saying a specific phrase. The moment you feel like it would be better to not exist, to think of ways and actually implement ways to no longer live with that person, is the day you learn the need to choose yourself above all else.
The one thing I would want to share is the realization that it is impossible to change a grown human being, but it is never too late to hold on to who you are, hold on to your irreplaceable life, and change your direction.
When the abuse starts at first, it is unexpected, out of place, and in some cases, was promised to never take place. It does not occur to you that something is tragically wrong.
We often find ourselves blaming our own behavior and try to find ways to limit any disagreements by saying sorry almost immediately when we feel the tension rising, or being more accepting and watching our words to prevent any sudden explosions. You sometimes pray to wake up from the nightmare, you may try to pinch yourself awake, but then it dawns on you - the nightmare is, in actual fact, your reality.
In time, you try to turn yourself into someone you think the other person will be kinder and more caring. Speak less, do more, smile even if your heart is aching against it.
You tend to stay away from your friends and family because you would have to bear the brunt of something they may say or do in passing that would offend your partner, but you would have to make every effort to ensure the happiness of his/her extended family.
You then delete messages and call records with fear of it being scrutinized at a later date. You end up changing everything about what you have always loved and believed in, while the other person believes he/she has no room for improvement, you should be grateful for the “love” that they bestow on you and realise what a gift they are, for most men are not as sensitive and caring are they are.
IT'S NOT “OKAY”
No form of abuse is “okay”. No matter what you say or don’t say, no matter what you do or don’t do, no other human has the right to hurt, harm, or hinder you in any way. You are a living, breathing human being, belonging to no one else, no matter the relation. No one has the right over you!
When you are submerged in a relationship or marriage of constant fights, finding yourself in the dead of night banging on the car window, screaming and pleading for your partner not leave the house or create any further ruckus, or find yourself sitting in terror while they open the car door while driving back home and constantly threaten you that he /she will take their own life by jumping off the moving vehicle and you sit there trying to figure out a way on how you are going to survive if he /she actually jumps.
Then they gaslight you, and your recall of events becomes twisted by what your partner recalls and changes the story to make him/her seem as though they were merely trying to help and you were wrong, you don’t remember what actually happened, or they “claim” they were trying to move danger away from you.
You start playing the blame game with yourself and start to believe you are the wrong one, you need to change and before you know it, you start to convince yourself to stay and think to yourself that 'it’s too soon to give up, it’s only been a few months and the relationship, the marriage has just begun, its growing pains maybe?' Many women decide to stay until it’s too late.
A deeper look into why women stay The Article titled: Abusive relationships: Why it’s so hard for women to ‘just leave’ dated 28 March 2018 by Daniel G. Saunders, Professor Emeritus of Social Work, University of Michigan looked closely at the article “Why I Stayed” by Jennifer Willoughby about her abusive marriage to former White House aide Rob Porter and the consistency of her experiences with what abused women have previously reported to researches. This article truly describes the thinking and the experiences of women in distress and why Jenifer, like most abused women, felt the need to stay in her marriage.
The question is, are you willing to stay only to ensure that the world doesn’t criticize you and has nothing unscrupulous to say about you or are you willing to leave because only you are experiencing every tear formed, every echoed scream and every ounce of the pain of what is actually going on behind the closed door, only you know how many miserable nights and days of regret you wished away. You need to be honest with yourself and realize that not one person on this earth was there to hold your hand, calm you down, or rescue you; you saved yourself.
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| Picture Source: Canva |
You can’t live your life according to the words of what people might say; you have to live your life for what you need and deserve, even if it means you have to do so on your own.
Don’t get engulfed in the cycle of abuse, which usually results in the belief that things can be bad, but they can also be heavenly, so you stay and wait for the monsoon to pass, so you can hopefully gaze upon half a rainbow for a full second. Your marriage, partnership, or relationship should not be a sequence of paradoxical events.
ARE YOU ALREADY IN THE CYCLE?
* DISCLAIMER
Kindly visit my disclaimer page.
XOXO
